HRH QUEEN ALEXANDRA

Praise The Lord for Georgia Power!

2005-07-28T23:00:00.000-04:00

Lord, it's hotter than a rooster on Viagra here lately! I just can't tell y'all what I have been putting up with this last week. After I tried to get all fancy and post a picture on my last entry, I apparently discombobulated some sacred Talmudic HTML formatting and my blog has taken on a life of its own. I just don't know what is going to happen next. I need a nerve pill.

As many have heard, the temperatures here in Georgia have been out of control! Yesterday I had to refresh my weary nerves with a Xanax just to make it from home to my penthouse office. When I got there I was still sweating like a hooker at a holy ghost revival. I just don't know what to do anymore. I heard on the radio yesterday that they have some new Botox that supposedly will cure all this sweating - but child, a lady of my size has to watch it with that Botox. After I got my eyes evened out last Fall I am real particular about what sort of cosmetic procedures I undertake. I suppose the important thing to do during these blistering Summer months is to keep patting down with transluscent powder and keep an tube of Secret in the pocketbook.

Brings me to another minor detail. Two months ago I had the misfortune of purchasing a Burberry handbag from a respectable foreign gal at work. Whilst I was perusing the aisles of L'eggs hosiery at Super Target last Sunday eve my damn Burberry strap broke spilling my loose change, prescription for Premarin, three cotton candy flavored condoms and a bronze Star of David pendant onto the floor of the Plus Sized Ladies department. Amid the shock and horror of the event, I failed to retrieve my prescription and ended up having to make a trip back up that damn highway from hell known as South Cobb Drive. I'll tell y'all what, I am going to take this damn Burberry knock-off back to that gal at work and demand a refund. I should have known that $25 for a designer bag would come with a much larger price: my dignity!

For all interested parties: I will be auctioning off the contact software from my Blackberry on eBay in the coming weeks. Keep checking for more details. Lord knows whose name and phone number is in there. Could even be an e-mail address.

~QA

Sex, Lies + Dirty Homemade Porn

2005-07-19T19:43:00.000-04:00

OMG! Just when things were starting to get boring... Colin Farrell (aka *My Baby Daddy*) has made headlines again! This time that stunning Irish hunk of man is worried that a naughty video he made with some Playboy Playmate tart in his bedroom is gonna make its way to public viewing. Now, I discussed this with my entertainment expert, Michele d'Glitter, and we have both decided that Colin should be proud to be back in the news. Not like anyone has been talking about him since he broke up with Britney. Bless!

In other gossipy news, I am happy to report that the New York Post has published a report today that one of my very favorite movies *The First Wives Club* will be hitting Broadway in 2006! Liz Smith said in her column today that producer Paul Lambert and his biz partner Jonas Nielsen are working to get it all together by Broadway's opening season next year.

Liz Smith Quote:

"Casting? Lambert has his eye on Queen Latifah, Bernadette Peters, Megan Mullally, Stockard Channing (remember, in the movie she jumped off her balcony, bringing the three friends together for the funeral.) He would also enjoy luring Olivia Newton-John back to the spotlight! And might I suggest Meryl Streep? She began in musical theater, and has a hell of a voice. People who see "Postcards from the Edge" for the first time, still gasp when she belts, "I'm checking out of this Heartbreak Hotel."

Queen Latifah? AKA *Dana Owens* just might make the cut. I am SO hoping for Megan Mullally (Karen from *Will & Grace*)! If she can do those goddamn M&M commercials she can MOS DEF do Broadway!

Hold The Guacamolé

2005-07-19T01:00:00.000-04:00

Mandarina Margaritas turned into the Special Lunch No. 5 (Spanish Rice, Refried Beans and a Taco). Someone forgot their ID!! I am still in shock that the putz at El Nopal didn't recognize me from my years of patronizing that establishment. The good news is that the Botox and formaldahyde must have paid off - I am getting carded these days! *woop!* New to the El Nopal menu is an item called *Fruita Lotta* - talk about a creative name!! Flour tortillas, sugared and spiced, stuffed with hot apples and strawberries, topped with Dulce de Leche ice cream and whipped cream! Vey iz mir! Yes, it tasted just as fabuloso as it sounds.

Swing out Sista' and yours truly decided to trek around to some parts of town we had never visited. With belly's full of yummy fresh-Mex, we hopped in her ghetto mobile (which has no A/C arghhhhhh!!!) and toured the slums and wasteland of MLK Ave. to Ellawood. Ellawood: the essential project tenament experiment gone wrong. As I gasped for air and looked through a Home Interiors magalog, Swing out Sista' directed my attention to what we believed to be a bald man in a tangerine Bob Mackey knock-off sliding down Ellawood Drive twirling an umbrella in one hand and eating a Hawaiian Ice with the other. In fact it was a bald woman in a tangerine Bob Mackey knock-off. There are so many things wrong with that. At 3 in the afternoon on a 98 degree July day in Georgia, one does not go out in public wearing an evening gown. As well, one does not simply twirl an umbrella in that heat, particularly when one does not have a strand of hair to protect ones melon from those dastardly UV rays. I pointed out that the diva in the Bob Mackey was walking bow-legged. We assumed she had just turned a trick in Barnes Alley and was working her way to the laundry mat to cool off. The amazing part, if indeed our diva in tangerine had just turned a trick and made some coins, is that she was holding an umbrella and a Hawaiian Ice - and didn't drop either one! Props to the working class! *Respect*

Back to work tomorrow. This 3-day weekend was indeed lovely ~ but even The Queen must have an income. Keeping up appearances (and keeping the A/C on) here at Hill Top Manor can be a real task .. even for someone as fierce as yours truly. Hope your week will be as amazing as mine. Peace out, girl scout!

What Are YOU Complaining About?

2005-07-18T05:22:00.000-04:00

It's Monday morning and the sun is not up yet. I have decided to take the day off from work - and my sister too - and we are going to attend to some family business . It is very important that our *family* meet in a certain un-named Mexican cantina for *Mandarina Margaritas* and plan some urgent *family arrangements.*

Over the weekend my father came for a visit and I introduced him to my new favorite obsession - LOGO network!! Not since I was addicted to *Pinwheel* and *Today's Special* on the original Nickolodean channel, have I been so fond of watching TV! Sure, I get some kicks out of Anna Nicole re-runs and BBC America, but not in at least ten years have I watched the same channel for like eight hours! Saturday afternoon I indulged in Ellen DeGeneres talking about how she *hid* her homosexuality from TV viewers for so many years. I wanted to like pause her commentary, step inside the screen and say *Wake up, sista! Those pant suits, softball haircut and Amy Prescott-esque gait did not EVER make me think you were straight* Even in *Mr. Right* it seemed like a crossdresser was wearing a white gown and veil in a Mexican wedding chapel. But, that's OK! You know who loves ya, baby!

~QA

Funny Girl

2005-07-12T19:12:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the most amazing things happen. And many times they are clearly fortuitous moments of serendipity. Case in point: Today I was flipping through the channels and found a new network called LOGO on channel 318. I had heard of a 24-hour all-gay network, but I had not investigated to see if my cable provider was offering it in the line-up. Now, you don't have to be a fast wit to recognize that an all-gay network would be *fabulous.* As if an experiment in total *fabulosity* -- LOGO is everything you could imagine in a gay tv channel and more. The bad news is that every fifteen minutes whatever great and exciting gay show/movie/sit-com/documentary gets interrupted by an advertisement for TimeLife's "Body & Soul" compilation set - otherwise I got my fill of Margaret Cho, the BEST of the GLAAD Media Awards and an introduction to the first Arab-Gay-Discoteque in Sweden. That must really give the Bin Laden's of the world the heebie-jeebies!!

Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I am a huge fan of the musical *Funny Girl* starring the deliciously fabulous GODDESS #2 .. Barbra Streisand (#1 being Madonna, of course! ** don't laugh, bitch!**) I can't tell you the times I have seen it and swooned over the hunky *Nicky Arnstein* Mr. Omar Sharif. One of my fondest childhood memories was putting on Grandma's strand of faux pearls and silk gloves then prancing around the neighborhood singing "Sadie, Sadie The Married Lady." Yes, child, a 7-year-old-BOY (diva in training) out in public in pearls and gloves. At that tender age, THE QUEEN, was not yet aware that pearls and gloves do not accessorize a pair of Levi cut-off's and a Starsky & Hutch t-shirt. Bless! OK.. well, *Funny Girl* came on LOGO today. I watched it for the um-teenth time (and made a nice Quiche Florentine during the 22 commercial interruptions). After it went off some dumb show about a gay rugby team in the Mid West came on - and *Zing.. went the TV screen.* I was so over the rugby show called *Something* Dragons. If I wanted to watch a show about Queers in tight shorts playing with balls I could simply (and fabulously) waltz to the local smut shop and rent *Latin Boyz Gone Wild: Thug Papi's of NYC* How trashy! Yet, oh so CALIENTÉ!!! Dios Mio!

The Internet is such a wonderful place. For nerds like myself who actually know how to Google past the porn sites, the Internet is actually the most fascinating invention of... ever! I wanted to know who *Funny Girl* really was - and so I Googled. That is when I was introduced to Fanny Brice, the protagonist of *Funny Girl* and one of the original Ziegfeld girls. I have since read so much about her I feel like I know the dame. Let me please introduce you to my friend, Fanny Brice:

Fanny Brice - Born 29 Oct. 1891 (NYC) - Died 29 May 1951 (NYC)

Quite the little diva of her time, Fanny was the child of Jewish immigrants who hailed from the famous Lower East Side of New York City. Miss Fanny was one of the original members of the Ziegfeld Follies (Florenz Ziegfeld's contribution to the Burlesque circuit - and to entertainment history). She really was married to the mobster, Nicky Arnstein, and she really did conduct herself like a true fashionista of the roaring twenties.. by cursing, drinking and sleeping around. You Go Girl! She was fierce with a makeup brush and loved furs! A girl after my own heart! She invented the character *Baby Snooks* (sounds like an AOL screen name ^^ BaBy SnOoKs^^) and unfortunately she died at like 60 or something. Way too early for such a star! Well, I hope you too will get to know Fanny Brice and if you haven't seen *Funny Girl* .. where the hell have you been for the last 35 years??? Make it a Blockbuster night!

On a side note, you wouldn't believe what I had the misfortune of seeing today -- no, not Richard Simmons -- but almost as bad -- a dead armadillo. Who knew those crusty critters were all the way up here in Georgia? I was driving my luxury sedan around town looking for the cheapest Chinese buffet, when much to my surprise a Dodge Ram in front of me swerved to avoid what I assumed was a small child, trash can or something which would create a jaws of life scene on Main Street. Unfortunately, I did not swerve quite as dramatically and I made hash out of what I believed was a Galapagos Turtle. Under my back left tire I felt a crunch, bump and then it was all over. I breathed, turned on my blinker and calmly pulled into the parking lot of Vogelberg's Bakery. After adjusting my Christian Dior's to block the glare of Georgia's July sun, I made my way to the edge of the parking area to inspect what I believed at the time was a slaughtered endangered reptile. Preparing myself to go to prison, I popped a Valium and removed my sunglasses. There it was - a crushed armadillo! Texas roadkill on a Georgia highway! And Alfred E. Neuman (aka George W. Bush) denies the Greenhouse Effect!! I was really bummed out about killing this *lovely* shelled creature, so I changed my mind about the Chinese buffet. I turned around, placed my Dior's back on and headed into Vogelberg's for a fried apple pie.

After leaving the bakery and beginning my drive home, I had a vision. It was that weird armadillo cake from Steel Magnolia's. The one the aunt made for Shelby and Jackson's wedding.. I told Mother about this strange day and all she could say was *Are you high, Clairee*?

My First Time...

2005-07-07T23:56:00.000-04:00

Hello to all my beloved subjects near and far! This is my very first *bLoG* post, and I am so excited I can barely contain myself! Thanks so very much to my darling co-worker and honorary diva extraordinaire, Miss Michele d'Glitter for introducing me to Blog*Spot. Of course, she claims I introduced her to the concept - but I won't dare mention my *real* first attempt at blogging. Those poor souls over at (a free-blog-space-to-be-un-named) are still cleaning up from the mess I made. OK, The Queen and HTML do not mix well...

Since this is my first post, I would like to introduce myself. If you have read my profile - then you have an idea about me already. I will briefly reflect on my life: cocktail parties for one, late nights with Grace Aguilar (*check upcoming post), and work. I am aging gracefully *thanks to Botox and formaldahyde* and I can apprecite the finer things in life -- although I am pretty simple *for a Queen!*

I have a great interest in feminist history, spirituality, soap-making and dining out. If that doesn't seem eclectic then I don't know what would.

*** UPDATE***** Mon. 7/18/05 *** Check post from 7/18/05 for Grace Aguilar biography.